When you feel your Life is fucked up and you just wanna die, forgive yourself (and whatever caused the situation you find yourself). Find Strength to keep fighting and in the end, you will love it that you tried to stay strong . I can’t promise you things will suddenly turn out fine, but I can promise you that you will love it . You will love it that you stayed and fought. I promise you!
How do I write this?
How do I talk about it?
The faded dream
The shattered hope
And then, the restored strength
Maybe I should write it as a poem,
Maybe as a story
Maybe as an article,
This I do not know.
And right now,
I reflect on the past
recalling how I lived my life
the best way I can
How I tried so hard,
to make myself happy,
to make myself breathe,
and to make myself dream
And I remember the days,
when there were no dreams.
How the dream finally came
and how happy I was to dream
A big dream for someone who didn’t grow up with one
A dream of earning enough to survive,
and to do what makes me happy — to write
making me gleam of so much Hope
feeling my heart leap from my chest —
A sense of happiness and fulfillment
all because I was able to write.
But fast and slowly, I saw the dream fade.
The future became gloomy
And there seemed to be no light.
No light at the end of the tunnel
and the little ray of hope I saw,
became an optical illusion.
And right there, I recall the times…
…times I could feel the fire.
And how the fire is gradually losing its power
And right before my face,
I see the fire GRADUALLY going out
And I could do nothing —
It was beyond me
The saddest thing in the world —
when you feel your life’s falling apart
And you could do nothing
except curling yourself up, and crying.
And today,
I remember the last week’s
consisting of days…
…days of constant battle and falling
Days when I kept mute
to think of the word “fate”
Days when I look at the sky
And I see God so far away.
And even when He is close,
yet, I feel He is still so far away
Days I would gaze at the sky
‘til I felt my vision blur out.
Days I would ponder with my heart.
And how it went from heaviness,
to shrinking into a tiny mass
And I felt I’ve lost it all
I felt inspiration and direction gone.
“Its all gone now..
..and I won’t put words together anymore”
That’s what I told myself
as I saw my little dream fading off fast
into the dense fog of harsh reality
And I was Weak and Helpless
Fear gripped my heart,
and day after day,
I felt my heart ghostly covered…
…in daily streams of silence and emptiness
I was scared!
Scared of what will become of me,
scared the empty days will never pass
And dreaming this very day will never come —
The day I would write again and smile,
gleaming of so much hope
because I am finally writing again,
doing what I love.
And now, I wish Reality never happened
Maybe I caused it,
Maybe it’s fate,
But I forgive myself
for living a life where dreaming is hard,
a life where rays of hope seem to vanish,
just as soon as they appear.
I forgive myself
For not knowing what to do
when things were falling apart
and allowing reality beat me down
I forgive myself
For not being the lucky guy
who earns enough,
doing what he truly loves
I forgive myself
for selling my belongings so cheap
because I needed to eat,
to survive and to dream
I forgive myself
I forgive myself for it all,
because if I don’t,
then I will stop fighting
and will stop dreaming
And though I am weak and scared,
my sword is blunt,
My shield seems too heavy,
and my joints are too weak
but I know I have to keep fighting.
’til there is nothing left in me
and that is what I’m doing
This is not for you to feel pity
NO!
Right Now
I feel a crispness within me.
A Crispness that leaves no room for self pity
A Crispness with the desire to fight again
and not die,
but to dream again
The same we all need,
when that thick dark Cloud,
comes down to overshadow us
and we wanna give up and leave for good
The same we all need,
to remember there is still hope.
A hope of smiling again..
..as long as we are breathing.
The same we all need
To keep dreaming
‘til we come out victorious.
And maybe not all will be victorious,
but we should keep fighting,
and keep forgiving ourselves for failing
even when we couldn’t help the failures
even when it might be ‘fate’
even when we need to fall…
..so as to learn to rise again
And here I am!
after the harsh beat of reality.
Still fighting!
Still living!
Still breathing!
and obviously, Still dreaming!
That’s why I’m here
That’s why I found families.
Families that breathe strength into me
That’s why I didn’t wanna die
That’s why I keep fighting
And that is VIRTUE
that is STRENGTH
that is DIGNITY
And that is HOPE
