The ‘Problem’

Is me…

I am “the problem.”

I talk too much. I don’t talk enough. I laugh too much. I don’t laugh enough. I am too serious. I am not serious enough.

I am too low to the ground. I am not low enough. I fight too much. I don’t fight enough. I give too much. I don’t give enough. I need too much. I don’t want enough.

I am the problem. When will I go away? When will I stop asking my questions? When will I stop wanting to communicate?

Why do I need to know anything at all? Why do I wonder why I need to know stuff at all? Why can’t I just know the right words? Why can’t I know them at the right time?

If I would just change myself to something else I would be acceptable. If I would just be something else entirely I would be lovable instead of this problem that is me. If I could just accept that I am the problem, maybe then I could make the problem go away.

I am the problem. I am not supposed to speak at the time when I did, I am also supposed to know that in advance. If I am too stupid to understand, maybe if I listened I would know the rules for today.

Today’s rules are different from yesterday. And tomorrow’s rules will be something else too. I am the problem for expecting the rules to stay the same — for me as they are for others in other rooms of other buildings or other places.

I am the problem here and so far there are no solutions. I have tried to change myself to be the way I should be to make myself appealing and useful. Instead I just keep making myself a problem over and over — the harder I try to solve me the worse the problem that I am becomes.

When I’m not trying to solve the problem of me, I’m not even noticeable. I am supposed to be a giver of ego-injecting fuel even when I have none. I am not allowed to feel down, stressed or worthless — but I should know that’s exactly what I am!

The problem is me so if I am no longer in this room, of this building, of this space — the problem should also leave too.

Good for you. Oh so good for you.