Scientific Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Exercising
1. Apparently flipping everyone the bird at the peak of every stretch is disruptive or something.
2. Also if the lady calls out, ‘Inhale, Exhale, Breathe!’ do not chime in with, ‘Impale, Celsius, Breed!’
Also ‘Inches, X men, STEED!!!’ is not a good runner up. Don’t have a runner up ok. Shh.
3. During crunches is not the best time to announce that your anus likes to get involved.
4. When the instructor chirpily tells everyone, “If this exercise is too hard just remove your spine!” it’s rude or something to tell her that’s what you vomited up in the last exercise.
5. Refusing to fix your wedgie that is actually the entire back of your shorts stuffed epically into your granny panties because you literally shed your last threadbare fuck about five years ago and have been fuckbald ever since, is considered ‘inappropriate attire’ and will cause you to get a ‘warning’ aka escorted out.
6. Dying of elbow sweat is not a real thing and serenading the class swan-song style isn’t conducive to calorie burning. #reportedly
7. Telling your instructor you really thought it was an M&M is not going to be a convincing explanation when she catches you eating a piece of your Pilates mat in the middle of teaser preps.
8. Being pompous about your Pilates abilities and picking out a teeny ten minute Barre workout video like it’s the easiest thing on this mediocre planet will lead to shake-crying four minutes in, taking a panting cheat break during your ten minute workout, stubbing your toe during your cheat break, and losing the toenail. During your ten minute workout. You Pilates expert, you.
