Heartbreak That Comes With Deep Love
This is a fictional self-dialog about the connection of deep love and the distress of disconnection, coming from the perspective of one of the two persons in relationship. A heartbreak can come multiple times in a long term relationship that just wouldn’t give up, from either side. The bonds are too sacred and tenacious to be broken, heartbreaks are simply a part of the tenacity.
We never succeeded in sharing our inner worlds.
Yet we shared our lives in the deepest possible way.
Our worlds and words don’t make much sense to each other.
Yet our choices and values do.
We support and care for each other no matter what.
Why and What did I ever fight with you for?
When I tried my most to make sense, I ended up being the most senseless.
To you anyway.
And then why should you be what I want?
That’s what you asked me.
‘Why should I be exactly like you say?’
Then don’t be.
I will figure out why I should be putting up with things I cannot put up with.
I will not cry myself sick anymore to bring it to your attention that I can’t take some things.
You can sleep well and keep going as long as some of your needs are met.
You say that rest of the drama we have is not worth it.
That drama however feels like life itself to me.
It is ironic that we are put together in this lifetime.
Yet it is enriching in so many ways.
In my mind and world, I feel that I see everything that is right in our relationship and the reason for our relationship.
Yet I keep fighting for some things. I don’t want to fight for anything anymore.
It is what it is.
Why make or fake happen anything?
We have sailed through the toughest times together. We have been the strongest support to each other through the roughest.
Rest will follow too.
I am done trying to make any happiness happen. It is there or not there.
I am not going to ask you to be or do anything to make me happy.
All that is up to you.
I want to have some light and lively times together. But I take responsibility that I am not a light and lively person anymore.
I want to bring back my sense of humor.
I want to bring back my creativity for us to have something to enjoy or bond over.
So many heartbreaks over so many small gestures of happiness that we tried to bring in life.
I have too much hardcore stuff in my mind and heart now.
No more stupid stuff from me that has no meaning.
And now, finally you are seeing the meaning behind it all.
What I am sure of and always have been, is the great deep love and trust between us. My heart feels safe and protected while caged in this love.
That is what sustains me in this lifetime.
And then it breaks time and again with the distress of any disconnect.
I am yet to learn how to love whole and right. Love you for what you are and love myself for what I am.